My life feels anything but settled right now. A lot has happened in the last few weeks. For starters, we moved to a new house. This new house is more than triple the size of our last one. There are stairs. I keep forgetting to put wet laundry in the dryer because the laundry room is upstairs and I'm not always up there and out of sight, out of mind. And besides getting accustomed to the house size, I have to find new places to grocery shop and otherwise shop. And while we're not living out of boxes, there are no decorations up, things are always messy, stuff isn't necessarily where I want it to be, and this place doesn't yet feel home-y. It's hard.
One week after we moved in Baby Charlie arrived. And then he died. And my body was recovering from childbirth. And my heart was grieving. That was, and continues to be, hard.
And, one week after Charlie died, my sweet grandmother died unexpectedly. We just came back last night from traveling up to Pennsylvania for her memorial service. My heart grieves for my parents and my grandpa and my great aunts. That's another hard thing.
And hopefully this will amount to nothing but now we are preparing for a hurricane to hit early next week. Most of the time it's fine but I can't help but ask myself ... what if? Lots of things have gone wrong in the last little while, why not this too? I don't know. I'm trying not to worry but again, it's hard.
Sometimes it feels like the enemy is winning. I hate that. I hate thinking about all the horrible in this world. Yesterday driving down I-95 on the way home I was behind a hearse. In the back of the hearse was a coffin. The coffin was wrapped so carefully in an American flag. I wondered about that person inside the coffin. I wondered if they left a young family behind. I wondered who was grieving their death. I thanked the Lord for their service to our country and wondered if that was the way they died. I suppose I'll never know.
I've also just been thinking about all the lovely people I know and the ones they've lost. A dear young friend who lost her husband. My two aunts deeply grieving the loss of their oldest sister. All too many lovely, lovely women who have buried babies. It all just makes me feel nauseous. I hate that death wins.
I've been trying to exercise again. This song is my exercise jam. It makes me feel like death doesn't have to win. I think the enemy is trying really hard to bring me down. I absolutely refuse to let him triumph. A lot is going on. My heart hurts. Some days I feel so robotic - just putting one foot in front of the other and trying to make the day count. I really have to talk myself through things ... ok Sarah, what do you usually do on Thursdays? What would you do at the other house? What is the next thing you need to accomplish? I hate that robotic feeling. But I keep going. I do have a lot of fight left in me. By God's grace things will feel better soon. Even so, come quickly Lord Jesus.
31 Days of Grief: