Thursday, October 1, 2015

31 Days of Grief: Day 1

There is a tradition, if you will, in the blogging world where October is dedicated to 31 Days of blogging on a certain topic.  It seemed appropriate, almost two weeks after my son died, to document my grief for the month of October.  My desire is not to have a pity party or bring anyone down, but rather to honestly convey what goes on inside the heart and mind of a grieving mother on a day to day basis.  My prayer is that the Lord will be glorified and that someone out there will feel comforted in their grieving process knowing what another soul is going through.  

My life feels anything but settled right now.  A lot has happened in the last few weeks.  For starters, we moved to a new house.  This new house is more than triple the size of our last one.  There are stairs.  I keep forgetting to put wet laundry in the dryer because the laundry room is upstairs and I'm not always up there and out of sight, out of mind.  And besides getting accustomed to the house size, I have to find new places to grocery shop and otherwise shop.  And while we're not living out of boxes, there are no decorations up, things are always messy, stuff isn't necessarily where I want it to be, and this place doesn't yet feel home-y.  It's hard.

One week after we moved in Baby Charlie arrived.  And then he died.  And my body was recovering from childbirth.  And my heart was grieving.  That was, and continues to be, hard.

And, one week after Charlie died, my sweet grandmother died unexpectedly.  We just came back last night from traveling up to Pennsylvania for her memorial service.  My heart grieves for my parents and my grandpa and my great aunts.  That's another hard thing.  

And hopefully this will amount to nothing but now we are preparing for a hurricane to hit early next week.  Most of the time it's fine but I can't help but ask myself ... what if?  Lots of things have gone wrong in the last little while, why not this too?  I don't know.  I'm trying not to worry but again, it's hard.

Sometimes it feels like the enemy is winning.   I hate that.  I hate thinking about all the horrible in this world.  Yesterday driving down I-95 on the way home I was behind a hearse.  In the back of the hearse was a coffin.  The coffin was wrapped so carefully in an American flag.  I wondered about that person inside the coffin.  I wondered if they left a young family behind.  I wondered who was grieving their death.  I thanked the Lord for their service to our country and wondered if that was the way they died.  I suppose I'll never know.  

I've also just been thinking about all the lovely people I know and the ones they've lost.  A dear young friend who lost her husband.  My two aunts deeply grieving the loss of their oldest sister.  All too many lovely, lovely women who have buried babies.  It all just makes me feel nauseous.  I hate that death wins.  

I've been trying to exercise again.  This song is my exercise jam.  It makes me feel like death doesn't have to win.  I think the enemy is trying really hard to bring me down.  I absolutely refuse to let him triumph.  A lot is going on.  My heart hurts.  Some days I feel so robotic - just putting one foot in front of the other and trying to make the day count.  I really have to talk myself through things ... ok Sarah, what do you usually do on Thursdays?  What would you do at the other house?  What is the next thing you need to accomplish?  I hate that robotic feeling.  But I keep going.  I do have a lot of fight left in me.  By God's grace things will feel better soon.  Even so, come quickly Lord Jesus.

31 Days of Grief:
Day 2
Day 3
Day 4
Day 5
Day 6
Day 7
Day 8
Day 9
Day 10
Day 11
Day 12
Day 15
Day 19
Day 22
Day 31


  1. I am not experiencing the exact things you are Sarah but I am in a significantly smaller battle myself right now and so I thank you for sharing your thoughts and your fight song. It caught me off guard this morning and spoke to my heart. God bless you and your sweet family.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I heard this song for the first time yesterday in the car. I immediately thought-this is a grief song- one that helps you keep going. Thank you for fighting. You are not alone. I'm headed to a holy hour at our church tonight and I will be praying for you during that time.