Friday, October 9, 2015

31 Days of Grief: Day 9

Four.  That's how many little voices would be sounding in our home had both Evie and Charlie lived.  That fact has hit both myself and Josh hard this time around.  Four kids.  Four.

I've been pregnant four times, given birth four times, gazed on four little faces that carried our genes.  Four tiny hearts that hold mine.  That's quite a few.

I think the average American family has two kids.  At first glance our family would seem to fit right into that average statistic.  Except it doesn't.  Or it shouldn't.  It's a strange reality.

I wonder what my life would have looked like right now had Evie and Charlie lived.  My children would be ages 4, 2, 15 months, and 3 weeks old.  Four children ages 4 and under.  No doubt that would have been crazy, especially in those early newborn weeks.  I would probably be wishing so badly for ohmygosh three minutes to please just shower and wash the stink off my body.  I would probably be drowning in laundry and juice boxes and animal crackers.  I'm sure it would have been overwhelming.  But I bet it would have been pretty fantastic too.  

I wonder why the Lord chose me to carry the burden of losing two children instead of the craziness that would have been life with four small children.  Maybe that will be one of the first questions I ask Him when I get to Heaven.  Who knows.

I'm not ignorant to the fact that if I weren't struggling with the pain of losing children there would be some other hardship or trial in my life to contend with.  That's just the way things are.  But sometimes imagining a dream life with four different giggles to listen to and eight pairs of cheeks to kiss and countless hugs to give and be given does a little good for my heart.  

I am so, so thankful for the two I have here.  They keep me going and smiling.  They give me purpose.  But I will always wonder and miss those other two.  Always. <3 <3 

A gift from some special friends.
Beautiful art by @hannah_suecrane (find her on instagram)

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