Thursday, October 8, 2015

31 Days of Grief: Day 8

If he had been healthy, today would have been baby Charlie's due date.  But he came 21 days early, the same as his big sister Evie.

Since due dates tend to be somewhat fluid, even in the best circumstances, and since none of my babies came on their due date (Micah was the closest at one day before his due date), I don't feel overly emotional or attached to this number on the calendar.  I also know Charlie's days were written before the beginning of time and that September 18, 2015 always had his name on it.  

But, because of what today might have been, I find myself wondering afresh what life would have been like with Charlie in it.  

Chances are, had he been healthy, we wouldn't have been surprised at his gender.  There would have been enough fluid for ultrasounds to see all they needed to see.  And he may have had a different name.  Before the 20 week ultrasound, I was trying to sell Josh on the name Archer Alan.  Super cool, right?!  But Charlie is very sweet and fitting for my heaven-boy.  And I love the name connection with two wonderful patriarchs.

Would he have been a good eater and sleeper?  Would he have been easygoing?  Would he have enjoyed car rides or had a specific way he liked to sleep?  Would he be smiling at his siblings?  Would he have soothed quickly at the sound of his daddy's voice?  

I suppose these things will always be left to wonder.  But I know, no matter what he was like, he would have been a special addition to our family.  We will always miss what could have been <3 

Me and my little men <3
(Micah enjoying his breakfast)


  1. So sorry for your great losses. Did they find out why you list them? Tragic.

    1. No, they didn't. We're ok though and trusting the Lord with our future <3