Tonight I find myself thinking of my time with Charlie. More specifically, I find myself wishing for hindsight and a second chance at some things. Our time with him was so brief, did I really take the time to drink in all his alive moments? The adrenaline/endorphin rush that occurs after giving birth creates a sort of out-of-body type feeling, at least for me. Did that prevent me from being totally present in his moments here?
Should we have invited everyone in so soon? Should I have savored my little boy longer, with just Josh? Should we have waited? If I had known we would only have thirty minutes maybe we would have done that part differently. I don't know.
Did he know? Did he know he was loved? Did I kiss him enough in those few minutes? Did he recognize my voice and feel comforted? Was he afraid at the end? I know I wasn't the one holding him when he passed. I kind of hate that. I wish it had been me.
It's so hard, having someone with you for such a short amount of time. I hope he knew how much he was loved, is loved. I know, even if he didn't, it doesn't matter anymore. He only knows love now, and perfection. That's pretty great. I guess it's just for my sake that I want to know the story from his perspective. I hope he would have good memories from his time with us. I remember feeling the same things with Evie.
I suppose one day I will get to hear. I'll get to hear from both of them. And I hope their words describe the love they knew and felt while they were here. Because they were both loved so, so deeply and treasured and wanted so, so very much.