31 Days of Grief: Day 5

Tonight I find myself thinking of my time with Charlie.  More specifically, I find myself wishing for hindsight and a second chance at some things.  Our time with him was so brief, did I really take the time to drink in all his alive moments?  The adrenaline/endorphin rush that occurs after giving birth creates a sort of out-of-body type feeling, at least for me.  Did that prevent me from being totally present in his moments here?  

Should we have invited everyone in so soon?  Should I have savored my little boy longer, with just Josh?  Should we have waited?  If I had known we would only have thirty minutes maybe we would have done that part differently.  I don't know.

Did he know?  Did he know he was loved?  Did I kiss him enough in those few minutes?  Did he recognize my voice and feel comforted?  Was he afraid at the end?  I know I wasn't the one holding him when he passed.  I kind of hate that.  I wish it had been me.  

It's so hard, having someone with you for such a short amount of time.  I hope he knew how much he was loved, is loved.  I know, even if he didn't, it doesn't matter anymore.  He only knows love now, and perfection.  That's pretty great.  I guess it's just for my sake that I want to know the story from his perspective.  I hope he would have good memories from his time with us.  I remember feeling the same things with Evie.

I suppose one day I will get to hear.  I'll get to hear from both of them.  And I hope their words describe the love they knew and felt while they were here.  Because they were both loved so, so deeply and treasured and wanted so, so very much.