Saturday, October 10, 2015
31 Days of Grief: Day 10
Today was a good day. I spent some time with my kiddos in the rocking chair this morning. My sister came over for a little bit and it was nice to visit with her. I spent the afternoon shopping with my mom and Joci. I bought some new clothes that are super cute. My parents cooked dinner for us and I even got to venture out to Target by myself while they bathed my kiddos. I came home to a nice husband who tucked Joci into bed and I spent a few quiet minutes with my sweet son before he drifted off to sleep. Good day.
It's not that my life isn't good or that losing Charlie has erased my capacity to enjoy these wonderful things. I think the strange thing is, even while I'm enjoying and smiling and laughing, my mind is simultaneously thinking and wondering and grieving. I sit with my special two, kissing their sweet heads and pulling them close and think about the two that aren't with us. I have a chat with someone about typical life stuff and try so hard the whole time to stay focused on their words and not drift my thoughts to Charlie or Evie or my experiences with them. I shop for new cute clothes and hate the fact that I have a postpartum body with no baby to show for it. This is the stuff grief is made of.
Anyway, that's how life feels these days. Good, even very good, just a subtle, or sometimes not so subtle, underlying feeling of heavy. It's not easy and it makes me feel pretty tired. But I keep going. Like my blog header says, living, loving, pressing on.