Tuesday, June 2, 2015

When the Q's Have No A's

My brain's a little befuddled lately.  Kind of whirlwindy ... lots of thoughts stirring around.  The trouble is, there are no real conclusions to my thoughts.  I'm just trying to sort through my mind and heart and make sense of what's going on right now.  Again.  If you want you can join me on this hamster wheel of futility.  Except, I like to think of it as earnest prayers and ponderings I would like the Lord to shed some light on.  So, in that respect, not as futile as it might seem.  Here are some of my Q's that, as of yet and maybe even in this life, have yet to be paired with an A.

Were we foolish to not investigate Evie's condition further?  We thought we were making an informed decision based on the best thoughts/suggestions from a few different health care professionals.  Did we reach the wrong conclusion?

If we had known what caused Evie's death and if there was a 25% chance another baby could be affected, would we have tried for Jocelyn?  I certainly wouldn't want to not have her.  Who else might we be missing out on by being bound by that statistic?

If we do have a 25% chance of another baby being affected (we'll know more after baby Kate passes away), what should we do?  I believe in acting in faith.  I believe in not living life in fear.  But I also know God speaks through things like this.  Could He be speaking something over our family with that percentage?  Or are we meant to step out in faith and try again?  Would that be faith or foolishness?

Is this happening again because I didn't learn something the first time around?  Did I miss something?  If so then please, for the love of all things bright and beautiful, let me learn it this time!!  Please.

Am I processing this the right way?  Do I have the right perspective?  I feel very matter-of-fact about this old new hard thing.  I feel very, this is your assignment, soldier, about it all.  Sir, yes sir.  Is that bad?

Is it ok that I didn't feel too surprised?  That I don't cry as much?  That I'm not hanging onto the hope of a miracle like I was last time?  Is my heart in the wrong place?

Is it ok that I still plead for this cup to pass?  Because that would be great.  And I would love a miracle.

Lord, am I doing this right?

Lord please guide me on this path once again.  Speak wisdom and truth into my heart.  Let me not look back onto this time with regret for the way I've acted or things I've said.  Be glorified in this place.

Here she is ... sweet baby Kate.  Head, eyes, nose, hand in front of her mouth <3

Please share ... what's your favorite remedy for dealing with the Q's that lack A's?  

4 comments:

  1. I have had these questions, praying God's grace for you,

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  2. Praying for you and your family during this hard, sad time. I think you are doing it all right, how can you be doing it wrong when you have Jesus? You found Jesus once in the darkness that was Evie's death, and with that came grace. I think knowing and living through that is giving you the grace to "be" right now. Im sure the questions never stop. For me I always bring the questions to God. Even if there are not answers now, that doesn't mean He can't give you answers later. And sometimes just getting them out, speaking them can help lighten the load-like throwing them all on His shoulders to carry. You are his soldiers and seeing it that way makes a lot of sense. You know that the One you serve is good, even if the assignment He has given you carries with it heartbreak and sadness-again. Thank you for the updates, keeping you all in our daily prayers as you walk this road and witness to Him.

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  3. I certainly don't wish to chime in on the deepest of those questions, but on the questions about what we should DO in the future, I like to say, "Pray like crazy, and take your best guess." If James 1:5 means what it sounds like it means, then God is granting His seekers wisdom in the moment to do just the right thing.

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  4. Dear Sweet Sarah, I love your honesty. I am praying for you as you process your questions. I pray your heart will be reassured by the love of the Lord.
    Much love

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