A couple of weeks ago it didn't feel so much that way. A couple of weeks ago I didn't know exactly what to name "it", but I didn't feel quite right. Joci's nursery corner wasn't quite done and I was hardly motivated to finish it, which is very unlike me. I was resisting any cervical checks from my midwife for because I didn't want to get things going before I was ready. It was all strange and uncharacteristic.
It was fear.
Because this pregnancy has been so uneventful and just plain textbook normal, I think my heart was anticipating something to go wrong. And I was somewhat dreading the moment of labor/birth/early days home because of the impending tragedy I was imagining. Like, somehow God would pull the rug out from under me at the last minute and the nightmare that was 2012 and the grieving year of 2013 would be my life again. I'm not sure how I thought not finishing Jocelyn's bedding would prevent her from coming. Not a ton of logic there. But I guess it's how my heart was coping.
After talking with some friends I really started to identify this fear and asked the Lord to help me combat it. Surely just because I lost one baby didn't mean another loss was certain and imminent. Surely the Lord could bless me with another healthy baby.
So I asked for a word, a verse, a thought. And a quick glance at my Bible one morning led me to these verses:
Oh sing to the Lord a new song ... sing to the Lord and bless His name ... for the Lord is great and greatly to be praised! Psalm 96:1-4
This is my season for a new song. It doesn't mean I have forgotten that in my own book of Psalms there are laments and tear-stained pages and a sweet name that seems almost sacred. No. But it does mean this is a new season and a time to anticipate and celebrate new life and praise God not just because He holds me up in tragedy and has built a spectacular plan for life after death, but because He does truly great and celebratory things in this life. In my life. And it's ok to sing that new song.
Now certainly this idea of a "new song" can be figurative, more like a new attitude of the heart and not an actual song. Except that, on the day the Lord brought me to those verses, I happened to have this song stuck in my head. And I don't think that's just coincidence. And so, I think this will be my new song. Vibrant, upbeat, hopeful. A new song of praise to bless the Lord.
Do you have special songs that have reflected different life seasons?