Today's post comes from Courtney Spena, who blogs over at A+ Life. On her blog, Courtney shares very honestly and openly about her struggle with secondary infertility. It has been a long and painful road for her, but the Lord is writing beautiful things into her story. Today, Courtney shares how we can show love to a friend struggling with infertility.
4 million families.
That is a lot of men and women grappling with the same thing that I've been dealing with for the past two and a half years.
And yet? Somehow, I only "know" of one other person who is dealing with it too. {and I just "met" her last week. So. There's that}
Secondary infertility is a giant unspoken disease. Which is what it is. A medically diagnosable disease that can sometimes be corrected. And it sometimes can't.
Secondary infertility is a walking contradiction of frustration and grief coupled with insane happiness because of my daughter. I find myself floundering because secondary infertility is NOT primary infertility. And therefore, I don't know where I fit in.
I have gotten to experience 40 weeks of pregnancy, labor, delivery, and breastfeeding. It is not the same as primary infertility and I don't pretend to claim that it is.
And yet, the same feelings of loss and grief every.single.month. are present. Except, now, my questions are different. The question isn't, "Will I ever be a mother?" Instead, they sound like, "Will my daughter ever get to be a big sister?" "How old will she be by the time it happens?" "Will I ever get to experience pregnancy again?"
If I didn't have any children I could at least avoid baby showers, birthday parties, and other child related activities.
But, I do have a child{she is 3 and she is amazing and unbelievably awesome}. But, that means that I am constantly surrounded by other mothers. Often, who are pregnant or nursing. Children with lots of siblings. And situations like this:
"When are you going to have another one?"
"Why do you only have one?"
"You're lucky to just have one"
And countless conversations about ideal family size{because most people have a choice}, the perfect age gaps{because most people get to choose}, and how to raise siblings.
And let us not forget the nurse at my OB/GYN office that stated, "well, it happened for you once so it can happen again."
Dealing with secondary infertility is hard, hard, hard. It is the most painful thing I have ever had to walk through. I have already talked about things not to say in my "What Not To Say To Someone Struggling With Infertility" post. I don't want to talk about that now. I want to talk about the things that you CAN DO. There have been a few ways that my friends and church members have reached out to me that I want to share with you, so that if someone you know is dealing with secondary infertility{although most of these would work for primary infertility as well} you can reach out and encourage them.
Send them cards/emails/texts and let them know you're praying for them- I have kept every single card that I have received ever since I went public with my diagnosis. They not only mean the world to me, but they validate me. They let me know that what I am experiencing is real. It isn't in my head. It isn't made up. It is a grief and a loss and to know that others are walking with me in it. Praying even when I can't. Lifting me up and helping me carry this heavy, heavy burden, means more than I can say.
Send them a gift- Some of the absolute sweetest things that have shown up in my mailbox{or inbox!} have been thoughtful gifts. Friends who have said, "I have nothing that I can say. But, I want you to know I'm thinking of you. Treat yourself." or "Take some time for yourself this week. This one is on me." Something small. A five dollar gift card to a place that you know your friend loves to go. I promise, she will break down in tears of thankfulness because of your thoughtfulness and love towards her.
Acknowledge their loss- The best words and the most touching moments have come from when other women sorrow with my sorrow. When they share their own stories of loss and struggle with me. And when the ones who haven't experienced what I am going through, still acknowledge that the road I am walking is unbearably painful. There is no belittling. There are no clichÈ and pacifying statements. It is only, this is so hard. I am so sorry.
Very well said, Courtney! I've struggled with primary infertility for nearly nine years so I can relate so much to what you've said. I never would have thought to offer babysitting for those suffering secondary infertility. Thank you for the great tip!! <3
ReplyDeleteThat means a lot to me coming from you, Lauren! Thank you.
DeleteThis is wonderful. One of my best friends struggled with secondary infertility for years, and it was terribly tough for her. I think it's easy to forget that struggle, as well. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteIt is terribly tough. Thank you for acknowleding it!
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