There is a time for everything.
Last year at this time, my life was filled with weeping. Evie's loss was so fresh - not quite a month yet - and I spent my days mourning the loss of my precious daughter. The days were long, the nights were restless, my mind was cloudy. Praise the Lord that healing has taken place and weeping no longer dominates my days. I am thankful for the growth and healing that has taken place.
Last year was my time to weep. One year later I am rejoicing, ever so cautiously rejoicing, for new life growing inside. A little gummy bear, nine and a half weeks old, expected to arrive in early July 2014. There is a time for everything.
I am excited but, as I'm sure you can imagine, very afraid at the same time. In 2012 my pregnancy road was wrought with pain and a very unhappy ending - it's hard to not be afraid of history repeating itself. But I am excited, a reserved excited and a quiet joy. A loss friend called it "cautiously optimistic". I think these phrases paint perfect pictures of my heart right now - looking forward to the possibilities, but remembering that things don't always go as we hope. The days of pure pregnancy bliss are long gone.
For those sweet mamas out there who are still in their time of weeping, their time of waiting, their time questioning and seeking and fresh heart-breaking, please know this news has not made me forget you. Losing Evie has made me see life so differently. The Lord has broken my heart for you, and that will never change. I love you and I love your babies. Forever.
First trimester fatigue and nausea have forced me to keep my priorities at a bare minimum and many things have been taken to the chopping block, including blogging. But in the coming weeks, especially after the busy holiday season is over, I hope to be back here more regularly. Until then, I covet your prayers and thank you very much for all your love and support.
One of my dearest loss mama friends, Larissa, recently did a series on her blog about rainbow pregnancies entitled, Pregnancy After Loss. I contributed an article here. If you are considering trying for another baby after loss, or would like to learn more about rainbow pregnancies, this is a great resource for you.