Wednesday, November 13, 2013

It's Complicated

I would be lying if I said my experience with Evie didn't shake my faith a bit.

It's a strange thing though.  As much as my faith feels shaken it also feels strengthened.  As much as I wish God hadn't chosen to use me in this way, I am incredibly humbled and grateful that He has chosen me to.  It's complicated.

One very hard thing is to trust God's good intentions in taking Evie.  Psalm 119:68 says that God is good and everything He does is good.  So I know that, somehow, taking Evie was part of God's good plan.  But it doesn't make a huge amount of sense in my finite mind.  God is good, but taking Evie felt very unkind.  And hurtful.  And sometimes it takes time to heal a relationship where you have felt hurt.  Even for all the good God has done through her story, it still hurts.   

I know God wasn't malicious in His intentions.  It is completely against His nature and impossible.  But if I hear a huge crash in my living room and then walk in to see my son standing next to a shattered dish, I'm not really going to believe him when he says he had nothing to do with this incident.  In the same way, I see God holding the shattered, tear-soaked pieces of my heart and have a hard time when He says it's not what it seems.  It's difficult.  Again, I know the right things, the right answers, but the real life emotions part is still hard.  

Or, what if I was walking down the street and someone ran by and snatched my purse.  As they were running away they turned over their shoulder and shouted, "Hey, don't worry about it!  I'll fill it with loads of cash and drop it off in a few blocks for you to find again!"  I don't think my first reaction would be, "Ok cool."  I would be like, "Ummm, ok ... but why did you take my purse?"

I realize these two scenarios aren't airtight because the God we are talking about has infinite understanding of the workings of the universe and we can trust in that knowledge.  But it's hard for me not to project humanness onto God sometimes.  Working on it, but definitely another thing to overcome.  

Even Job asked, "Does it seem good to You that You should oppress?"  Job 10:3.  It seems confusing that God allows hurtful things in our lives.  And the conclusion - the fact that we just have to trust in God's goodness and sovereignty - hardly seems like a sufficient answer.  

But it is.  It has to be.  And it is the very definition of faith.  Jesus says in John 20:29 - blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe.  None of us have seen.  We have never seen Jesus, God, Heaven.  We have never seen loved ones receive the promised rewards in Heaven.  But we still have to believe.  That's faith.  That's trust.  That's what God calls us to. He calls us to faith that is counterintuitive to our finiteness.  He calls us to faith that embraces what we know God to be, not what our circumstances make us feel.

Even the things that hurt, even when it feels like God Himself has delivered the hurt, we have to trust what we know.  God is good.  Everything He does is good.  Nothing here is wasted - all the hurt, all the tears, all the lack of sleep, overwhelming confusion, and desperate clinging to the promises that keep you from crossing over the line to insanity - nothing is wasted.  And one day we will see.


  1. You wrote a lot of things that reflect my own feelings. Thank you for sharing!


    1. I think many of us struggle with questions like this, especially after losing a child. It's nice to know we are not alone <3

  2. Oh Sarah. I so feel you on this post. During our long hospitalization I wrote about how sometimes I felt so much more like Job's wife than like Job (here's that post if you're curious: ). I remember telling a friend that I felt like I needed to forgive God for allowing so much sadness and fear into our family. Crazy and silly-- me needing to forgive God. But it's how I felt just the same. Lots of love to you.

    1. I understand completely. And I have to think God does too. I'm so glad He's not afraid of our questions or our feeling like we need to forgive Him.

      Thank you so much for sharing. I actually read that post a while back and just loved it, especially how you pointed out that the kids, the house, the money - those were all Job's wife's too. She was grieving too, just differently.

      Thanks for your encouraging words <3