I woke up this morning, the weight of the world heavy on my feeble shoulders.
About a dozen anxious thoughts and questions flooded my mind before my eyes even had a chance to adjust to the morning light. Before a conscious thought came into my mind, a thousand unconscious ones started to close in around my heart. Anxiety over what God is doing regarding expanding our family, concern for a loved one who is suffering greatly, the stories of many precious mamas who are hurting over the loss of their babies, repetitive bruisings and beatings from doing battle with a particular sin, the mommy heartache from my son growing up and becoming more independent, the back-of-my mind knowledge that Evie's first birthday is fast approaching, excess weight (can I still call it baby weight?) that seems to have no intention of vacating the premises anytime soon, a kitchen full of dirty dishes, a pile of things "to-do". And, to top it all off, only enough coffee in the house to make one cup for two non-morning people to share. My throat and my stomach were just all knotted up. And this was all before I even settled on the couch in my robe to watch cartoons with a morning-snuggles boy. Where's the restart button when you need it?
I tried to run to the Lord and lay these things at His feet, but I didn't even feel coherent enough to do that. I sat on my couch, my mind a complete tornado of thoughts, my outsides a combination of wanting to cry and still bantering playfully with my son as we watched Leap Frog's Alphabet Adventures.
As soon as I had the chance, I ran to open my small devotional, Jesus Calling. It's theme is peace in God's presence, and I sure as the sun needed peace right then! I came away with one sentence: Though I have brought many pleasures into your life, not one of them is essential. Hmm. Perspective.
Sometimes, at least for me, I start to feel anxious when the things I want from God don't line up with the things He is working in me and in those around me. This morning He gently reminded me that He has already given me many blessings. Expecting (read: demanding) more blessings from Him is not the way to live in peace. It's the way to live in ... well, the turmoil like I woke up with.
I say all of this to say ... grace. God's grace. He is big enough and gracious enough to look down on one of His daughters and listen to her vent and question for a while and then still tenderly embrace her with words of wisdom. He knows my humanity. He created me with all the emotions and reasoning capabilities that allow me to question. And He is not threatened by them.
Omniscient God has grace enough to speak to the heart of a child who is questioning His plans and purposes. And then gives them grace to try again.
Praise be to God for His never-ending grace!