Tuesday, September 3, 2013

More Than I Deserve

I'm going to be very honest about something.

It's taking far longer get pregnant than I had been hoping. 

And the waiting is not easy.  

A couple of months ago the Lord really worked in my heart and I felt convicted to surrender my expectation about future pregnancies.  And I think that was a really important step.  There is great difficulty, though, in balancing the thin line between hope and surrender.  It's been hard.

We got pregnant with Micah pretty quickly.  We got pregnant with Evie even quicker.  And this time.  This time, not so much.  And of course, my mind goes to worst case scenario.  And I'll admit, I've even used the "d" word from time to time.  

Deserve.

Lord, after everything I've been through with Evie, don't I deserve another pregnancy?  After trying as hard as I humanly could to have a good attitude and turn it all back to praise and be an example to those around me, don't I deserve to carry and bring home a healthy baby?  Lord, I've tried.  I've really, really, really tried.  Don't I deserve this?

But then the Lord gently brings to mind words I heard while sitting in Bible study last fall, my broken baby girl squirming inside.  


We don't suffer because we "deserve" it and are not spared from suffering because we "deserve" it.  We suffer and are spared because God is sovereign and just.  We can't trace the why and why not of who deserves what in this life.  But, we can focus on what we do understand - none of us get what we truly deserve because we got mercy we did not deserve instead.  
-Jennifer Rothschild, Missing Pieces


If the wages of sin is death, than the only thing this sin-bent girl deserves is death.  Like, forever death in hell.  But our gracious God makes a way for us to have life - the gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.  That is mercy.  That is the ultimate gift.  That is something I absolutely do not deserve.  And it's huge.  And if I had that one thing, that would be enough.  Any blessing the Lord heaps onto my basic need of salvation is just a bonus.  An unbelievably undeserved bonus.  And that includes a rainbow pregnancy.

In our sticker-chart-for-good-behavior world, this concept does not come intuitively.  But it's a really important, perspective-granting concept that makes living contentedly and peace-filled in our sin-filled world attainable. 

Ann Voskamp says this, 


And what do I really deserve?  Thankfully, God never gives what is deserved, but instead, God graciously, passionately offers gifts, our bodies, our time, our very lives.  God does not give rights but imparts responsibilities - response-abilities - inviting us to respond to His love-gifts.
-One Thousand Gifts


Through Jesus Christ, God grants us life that we don't deserve.  When we start defining life by the things we want that God isn't giving us, it all starts to go downhill.  We must choose to do what the words above suggest: respond gratefully to what God has given us.  The many, many undeserved blessings and protections that He showers on us and our loved ones daily.

May we never forget that through Christ, we will never get what we truly deserve.


14 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this Sarah. When we were in the darkest days of our infertility I used to lay in bed wondering what horrible things I had done to deserve this. I would think of all my worst sins and convince myself that was why we couldn't have babies and that if I could just be better maybe God would take away the infertility. I spent months and months feeling that way. I didn't understand grace. I'm so thankful that the Lord allowed me to learn otherwise ... to learn that sometimes He has other, better things in mind and that I did nothing to deserve the blessings either. I love you and you know I'm praying always.

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    1. Thank you so much Lauren. Your example is one that I look up to <3

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  2. Your heart is truly a masterpiece & I am so grateful that you are courageous enough to share it with the rest of us. You are loved deeply and wholeheartedly. Unending prayers for you, sweet friend. xo

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    1. Thank you Lisa, the love and prayers mean so much <3

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  3. Thank you for this. You captured so beautifully a concept that can be very difficult for our human minds to grasp. It's a reminder we all need. Praying for you!

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    1. Thank you Megan! Praying for you too <3

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  4. I'm not at this point in my journey yet, but your words and faith give me something to strive for. I came across your blog on the Sisterhood of Loss and Support.

    -Sarah www.onabutterflyswings.blogspot.com

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    1. Sarah, I'm so sorry for the loss of sweet Emma. This grief process takes time ... don't rush it. I promise it has taken me time to get here too. And there are some days when I still get taken right back to the beginning. Keep putting one foot in front of the other ... and know you are not alone <3

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  5. Sarah, the link to your post came up on my Facebook news feed at exactly the right moment. Thank you so much.

    I wrote more about where I am right now and how your post helped me here: http://amandaloweschulze.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/plans/

    <3

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    1. Thank you Amanda. Praying for you too <3

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  6. Such wonderful insight here. And I love your constant honesty. Especially this: "When we start defining life by the things we want that God isn't giving us, it all starts to go downhill."

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    1. Thank you Mary Evelyn. I always appreciate the honesty and transparency on your blog as well.

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  7. I love your perspective. I know this isn't easy, but we always have a choice, and I know it's much easier to survive times of waiting or frustration when we don't choose bitterness. You're a beautiful example of that, Sarah! Always!

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    1. Thank you. You're right - it is always a choice. Not an easy one, but we can always choose.

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