It's taking far longer get pregnant than I had been hoping.
And the waiting is not easy.
A couple of months ago the Lord really worked in my heart and I felt convicted to surrender my expectation about future pregnancies. And I think that was a really important step. There is great difficulty, though, in balancing the thin line between hope and surrender. It's been hard.
We got pregnant with Micah pretty quickly. We got pregnant with Evie even quicker. And this time. This time, not so much. And of course, my mind goes to worst case scenario. And I'll admit, I've even used the "d" word from time to time.
Lord, after everything I've been through with Evie, don't I deserve another pregnancy? After trying as hard as I humanly could to have a good attitude and turn it all back to praise and be an example to those around me, don't I deserve to carry and bring home a healthy baby? Lord, I've tried. I've really, really, really tried. Don't I deserve this?
But then the Lord gently brings to mind words I heard while sitting in Bible study last fall, my broken baby girl squirming inside.
We don't suffer because we "deserve" it and are not spared from suffering because we "deserve" it. We suffer and are spared because God is sovereign and just. We can't trace the why and why not of who deserves what in this life. But, we can focus on what we do understand - none of us get what we truly deserve because we got mercy we did not deserve instead.
-Jennifer Rothschild, Missing Pieces
If the wages of sin is death, than the only thing this sin-bent girl deserves is death. Like, forever death in hell. But our gracious God makes a way for us to have life - the gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. That is mercy. That is the ultimate gift. That is something I absolutely do not deserve. And it's huge. And if I had that one thing, that would be enough. Any blessing the Lord heaps onto my basic need of salvation is just a bonus. An unbelievably undeserved bonus. And that includes a rainbow pregnancy.
In our sticker-chart-for-good-behavior world, this concept does not come intuitively. But it's a really important, perspective-granting concept that makes living contentedly and peace-filled in our sin-filled world attainable.
Ann Voskamp says this,
And what do I really deserve? Thankfully, God never gives what is deserved, but instead, God graciously, passionately offers gifts, our bodies, our time, our very lives. God does not give rights but imparts responsibilities - response-abilities - inviting us to respond to His love-gifts.
-One Thousand Gifts
Through Jesus Christ, God grants us life that we don't deserve. When we start defining life by the things we want that God isn't giving us, it all starts to go downhill. We must choose to do what the words above suggest: respond gratefully to what God has given us. The many, many undeserved blessings and protections that He showers on us and our loved ones daily.
May we never forget that through Christ, we will never get what we truly deserve.