I sit here pecking away at slightly sticky keys, courtesy of my sweet little guy, with tears streaming down my face. You see, another month has passed and my womb has yet to be filled. And every month my womb remains empty my arms ache afresh for my tiny girl who went to Heaven before I really had the chance to know her.
In Philippians 1:8 Paul talks about longing for the members of the church there with all of his bowels, meaning, he longs for them to the core of his being. I get that. My body literally aches for Evie and for the baby I have yet to conceive. There is a literal heartthrob, an ache from deep within. My maternal soul longs to hold the baby I had to give away, and longs to nurture a new little life. And, it is all completely out of my control.
I know the verses. I know that good things come to those who wait. I know that and don't doubt it. But, even still, the waiting is hard. So hard. It's so hard not to wonder how long I will have to wait and what God is actually doing in this waiting period.
And, to be perfectly honest, I wonder all the time what I am supposed to be learning during this waiting. I wonder what lessons I still need to learn and, because I haven't yet learned them, God is choosing to withhold blessings from me. But recently I've read a few things that have helped change my perspective.
From Jesus Calling:
My ways are mysterious, even to those who know Me intimately. As the heavens are higher than earth, so are My ways and thoughts higher than your ways and thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). Do not try to fathom my ways.
A blogger, writes about the season of waiting close to a year and a half after graduation to find a job:
There is no rhyme or reason for that season of unemployment. I have the gift of hindsight, knowing . But I don’t think I’ll ever understand why it took that long ...
An adoptive mother shares her struggle in waiting for her son:
All it took was a few months of financial struggle for me to forget how God has always provided for us. It only took a few months of non-activity in our adoption process for me to doubt whether or not God really called us to adopt. Seriously?!? What is wrong with me?
Through all of these examples I am learning this truth: God's ways truly are higher than our ways, and who can know the mind of God? Trying to fit an infinite God into my finite, fickle, mind only leads to disappointment and frustration. I can't expect to follow a formula - if I do this, this, and this, surely God will choose to bless me with a baby. There. Done. Certainly as a Christian I should always be growing in the love of Christ, but maybe I really am just to wait and stop beating myself up about all the reasons I think God isn't giving me what I want right now. Maybe I just need to exercise the faith, trust, and patience it takes to wait.
There is no express, 15 items or less line for me right now. Just a wait for as long as it takes. And, as always, clinging onto hope.
A friend shared this song with me recently. She specifically pointed out this line: What if every tear you cry will seed the ground where joy will grow?
Nothing is Wasted in the Hands of our Redeemer.