Thursday, July 18, 2013

The Hardest Thing

There have been a million hard things since learning of Evie's diagnosis and living with her death. I miss her every single day and wish so badly that she could be a part of our lives.  But, right now, there is one thing that brings all the anxieties and longings to the forefront of my healing heart.

It's wondering what my son and my daughter would have been like together.  

Micah loves having an audience.  He will sometimes set his stuffed Curious George up to watch him play.  And every time, every single time, it breaks my heart.  Because I know, if Evie were here, she would be his audience.  She would watch him play and he would make her laugh and they would be best buds.  

Of course, I'm sure they would argue as well.  He wouldn't want her drippy, drooly slobber on all of his toys and she would strongly disapprove of him snatching things from her chubby little hands. My life would be filled with refereeing two children who couldn't care less about sharing or preferring each other over themselves.  But, truly, that sounds blissful compared to the emotions I balance instead.

I wish I knew.  I wish I knew what two-year-old Micah would be like with eight-month-old Evie.  But I never will.  And it hurts like crazy.  

But you know what?  Maybe it's just me, but I get the feeling there will be a special place and special moments in Heaven for mommies who weren't able to love on their babies here on earth. If no happiness on earth can even compare to the pure joy of Heaven, I imagine it will be so.

As if He were letting us in on a secret, Jesus whispered back to His father, This will all be worth it.  Wait till they are with us and see our glory.  Just wait till all of this work and suffering and pouring out is over and we are in heaven together forever.  Just wait.  
Anything, p184

And God will wipe away every tear from their eye; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying.  There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.  Revelation 21:4

Collaborative art by Mommy and Micah.  Ok, so maybe art skills don't run in our genes ... 


  1. Love the picture you and Micah made :) And I am sure that the wondering is so hard. Praying God continues to hold you in His palm and give you constant reminders of His love for you in those moments.

  2. A cute picture, and more artistic than I could do! :P I can't imagine how hard it would be to see Micah use Curious George for an audience, instead of being able to play with Evie. But oh, the joy that will be Heaven!

    (I like the new look too!)

    1. Thank you ... what good days those will be!