For the Lord God will help me; therefore I will not be disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know I will not be ashamed. Isaiah 50:7
This verse was the focal point of my devotional one day last week. It seemed like a really strange verse to me. Set my face like a flint ... ?
But as I read the devotional thought again and pondered how this verse could be applied in my own life, some new thoughts came to me. Thoughts that had been floating around unpurposed in my gray matter finally came together.
Since learning of Evie's diagnosis back in July I have felt a strong sense of obligation (in a positive way) to be a spokesperson for the Lord and the great things He can do despite torturous circumstances. And now, being a part of the babyloss community, I feel another strong sense of obligation (again, positive) to share my Evie story with the world and hopefully remove some of the stigma and silence and general unawareness surrounding pregnancy and infant loss.
So, those two things considered, I have purposed in my heart to not hide Evie from anyone, even perfect strangers. When asked how many children I have, I will tell them one here and one in Heaven. When I am asked if I plan on having any more children I will say, I actually just had a baby, but she died. When people ask if we hope to have a girl next time I will say, we already had one, but she left us for Heaven.
And I fully expect to receive odd glances, awkward conversation pauses, truckloads of backpedaling, blank stares, I'm sorry's, and quiet oh's. Maybe even the occasional verbal attack, who knows? But, as the verse says, I will set my face like a flint - I will hold my ground because I know I will not be disgraced. Emotional discomfort may reign for a time, but I hope the stand I take for my Savior, my baby, and hurting moms everywhere will triumph. And I will not be ashamed.
Baby steps though. I have only summoned the courage to speak of Evie's death to a stranger one time since she died, and that was because I was in a safe environment. But I could barely get the words out before the knot formed in my throat and the tears stung my eyes. My goal is not to break down in front of strangers, so it may take some time. But I don't want to hide my story; the Lord gave me this story and I will ultimately not be disgraced for sharing it.
Please know I don't expect the same from all babyloss moms. I completely understand how uncomfortable it is to be so vulnerable to another person; I may not even be able to do it every time. But, if you ever decide to share (and you can email me details if you'd like), know that there is someone else out there doing the same.
Set your face like a flint, do not be shaken. You will not be disgraced, you will not be ashamed. The Lord is on your side.
And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you or forsake you; do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8