I wish I would have requested one specific photo shot ... but I didn't want to let her go, not even for the two minutes that photo would have taken.
I wish we would have stamped her hands next to her brother's onto a piece of art that read: These hands will hold my heart forever ... but her hands were very squished because of her cramped growing environment - would it have even worked? And would that have added more sadness?
I wish I would have tried to nurse her ... but she was so weak - would she have even been able to? And would her inability to nurse have pained my heart even more?
I wish we would have sent our friends and family out, just for a little while, so we could have one moment alone with our baby girl ... but then would I have wanted to invite them back in?
I wish I would have read my babies a story together. I even had it packed - The Very Hungry Caterpillar - Micah's favorite at the time ... but I didn't want to push Micah's patience. He had been such a good boy and it was the wee hours of the morning and he was not even two.
I wish I would have painted her toenails/fingernails ... but I didn't have time to pack the polish.
And some things I hope ...
I hope I kissed her enough
I hope she heard me whisper her name, although I have no memory of actually speaking it to her
I hope she felt loved
I hope she felt safe
I hope she knew ... how much she was wanted, cared for, and how we wished she could stay
From time to time these small things resurface and seem so big and so important - no doubt the enemy trying once again to knock me down when I feel vulnerable. One of these times the Lord brought to light the fact that, even if I had accomplished all of my wishes/hopes with Evie, one huge void would still remain -
No matter how many stories I read, kisses I gave, art projects we did, Evie would still have had to leave. And I suppose that is where the real sadness lies.
So when these small pains arise I try to keep everything in perspective. Evie is safe in Heaven and these small things don't matter to her. While she was here, I tried everything in my maternal power to make her feel safe and loved and I hope in her nine months on this earth and her four hours in the world, she knew. And I am thankful for how full the Lord made our time with her.