Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I Wish/I Hope

Yesterday I wrote this post on having no regrets in our experience with Evie.  I really don't.  I think we did exactly what the Lord wanted us to do with regards to our little girl.  But still, there are some things I wish ...

I wish I would have requested one specific photo shot ... but I didn't want to let her go, not even for the two minutes that photo would have taken.

I wish we would have stamped her hands next to her brother's onto a piece of art that read: These hands will hold my heart forever ... but her hands were very squished because of her cramped growing environment -  would it have even worked?  And would that have added more sadness?

I wish I would have tried to nurse her ... but she was so weak - would she have even been able to?  And would her inability to nurse have pained my heart even more?

I wish we would have sent our friends and family out, just for a little while, so we could have one moment alone with our baby girl ... but then would I have wanted to invite them back in?

I wish I would have read my babies a story together.  I even had it packed - The Very Hungry Caterpillar - Micah's favorite at the time ... but I didn't want to push Micah's patience.  He had been such a good boy and it was the wee hours of the morning and he was not even two.  

I wish I would have painted her toenails/fingernails ... but I didn't have time to pack the polish.

And some things I hope ...

I hope I kissed her enough

I hope she heard me whisper her name, although I have no memory of actually speaking it to her

I hope she felt loved

I hope she felt safe

I hope she knew ... how much she was wanted, cared for, and how we wished she could stay

From time to time these small things resurface and seem so big and so important - no doubt the enemy trying once again to knock me down when I feel vulnerable.  One of these times the Lord brought to light the fact that, even if I had accomplished all of my wishes/hopes with Evie, one huge void would still remain - 

Her.

No matter how many stories I read, kisses I gave, art projects we did, Evie would still have had to leave.  And I suppose that is where the real sadness lies.  

So when these small pains arise I try to keep everything in perspective.  Evie is safe in Heaven and these small things don't matter to her.  While she was here, I tried everything in my maternal power to make her feel safe and loved and I hope in her nine months on this earth and her four hours in the world, she knew.  And I am thankful for how full the Lord made our time with her.  

No regrets.





10 comments:

  1. I love your list of wishes, mainly because...that's what Mom's do. They look back and wonder. Even with those kids still with us, I wish I took video of that special event, I wish I'd read to them more etc. It's the never-ending mommy worry that we're not doing everything just so, and the moments are so fleeting, once they're gone, you don't get a chance at do overs. Your wishes are so sweet, but I don't have a doubt that God had everything turned out as it should have. You were very very brave, kind hearted and generous to share your girl with the world, even if that "world" was just a room full of friends and family - she was yours to hold and only for a time, and you shared that to give others the chance they needed/wanted with her too. That always sticks out in my mind as the bravest-hardest-to-do-thing, ever. As to the things you hoped for: I don't think it would be a stretch at all to say she knew while she was here. She knew she was treasured above all others, because she was yours, and you loved her. All of her. Babies in and out of the womb have a great sense about those things, and so I'm quite sure that that little baby knew her Mommy and Daddy were the best ones out there. Because you created her, you marveled at her, you loved her and she knew that she belonged with you. She knew your voice, and it comforted her. It is quite a privilege to be so cared for, something many babies don't get to experience, and I'd imagine, if she could, she'd hope you know that she loved being loved by you.

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  2. Thank you for sharing this. I too have a list of things I wish I'd done...and I am comforted by what you said God reminded you of: even if you'd done everything on that list, you'd still be sad because Evie left. It helps me to remember that the same is true for me.

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    1. It's so hard because we won't get another chance ... but, as a few friends pointed out, God orchestrated our time with them and I can only trust He allowed the best things to happen <3

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  3. -- just wanted to tell you (as a witness on Evie's birthday) that you were smiling like crazy when you were holding her. Frankly, I was amazed by your joy that night. Not only did you whisper to her throught her time here(some of which I caught video, I think) but you sang to her. What makes a baby happier, a person happier, than being gently cradled and sung to. <3 --

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    1. Thank you so much Lauren. I felt so joyful while she was here, I really did <3

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  4. Hi, I just found your blog today. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God will wrap you in comfort and give you peace today. I have two babies in Heaven that I did not carry to term, and I can't imagine the loss you are feeling only having her for such a short time. I will be praying for you. May God bless you Today!

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    1. Thank you so much Amy. I am sorry for your losses. So thankful we will be with our babies in Heaven!

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  5. Oh, Sarah. It is so, so much pain that our babies are just not here. I'm just so sorry you have to feel the pain too. I really do hope we get to hang out in heaven together with our babies. I am shedding tears for you and me now. Love you!

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    1. Thank you Emma. Love you too ... <3

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