No, I am not pregnant. But I still have this crazy nesting thing kicking in. I never had the opportunity to do so with Evie and it left a tiny unfinished piece inside of me. You can imagine the immense pain of being pregnant with a baby and not even bothering to set up a crib, let alone make room for other baby things, because she wouldn't be coming home. It was pretty awful and for the sake of survival I tried not to think about it very much.
And I felt like the months following Evie's death I really needed her to be my baby. Her memory needed to be preserved for a while before thoughts could come regarding future Rieke babies. But my heart is changing.
I downloaded a book entitled Celebrating Pregnancy Again. As the title implies, the book is a guide for mommies who have lost babies and the feelings that may arise with subsequent pregnancies. I read the author's mantra today and it really struck a chord:
It is okay to dream. It is okay to hope. Pregnancy can and will be beautiful - for as many days as that may be." (page 14).
And so it seems that's what this "spring cleaning" has really been about. I am ready to hope and dream about Evie's baby brother or sister. I want to allow myself to get our house ready to welcome a new tiny life. And while nothing and no one on this earth will ever take the place of my Evie-girl, I look very much forward to the happiness and joy another bundle will bring, whenever that may be. And if this week is any indication, this house will be in tip top shape by the time they arrive!