Sunday, December 9, 2012

one month in Heaven

Dear Evie, 

Hi sweet girl it's mommy.  Well you've been in Heaven for one month now and I hope you're enjoying it.  I suppose that's a given.  

I just want you to know that I think about you every day.  I wonder what you're doing in Heaven and what you look like.  I wonder who you've met and what you like to do.  I wonder if you know about me and Daddy and Micah and how much we love you and miss you.  

Sometimes I try and imagine what you look like.  I imagine you being kindergarten age.  You are always in a white sundress and carrying a red balloon.  And I usually imagine you with sandy blonde hair.  And barefoot.  Daddy imagines you being a beautiful young woman in her twenties.  I prefer my version, maybe because I need you to be little.

One thing I can never imagine though is your face.  I wish I could visualize how pretty and perfect you are but I can't.  I know what you looked like here but I'm sure your Heavenly face is much different.  But I know you are lovely.  And I'm sure you still have the softest cheeks and the prettiest lips.  And deep blue eyes.  

If there is one thing I want you to know baby girl it's that mommy loves you so much.  I want you to know that while you were on this earth I loved you with all of me.  I loved you fiercely with everything I had and tried to give you the best of me.  I tried to give you a peaceful pregnancy.  I tried to feed you the right things and rest appropriately.  I rubbed my belly often and tried to let you feel my gentle touch.  I hoped you would feel that love.  

And for your birth experience I didn't want you to have any drugs in your system and I prayed desperately that I wouldn't cave into getting an epidural.  I wanted to be so present to enjoy every minute of you and didn't want any effects of medication.  And wouldn't you know the Lord answered that prayer!  I was able to give you my best.  I needed to know that I labored for you and gave everything I had to bring you into this world, just as I had with your brother.  I am so thankful I was able to.

And the time I had with you was just amazing.  I didn't really feel sad the entire four hours because I didn't want to waste time being sad.  You were with me and I enjoyed every minute of it.  My eyes drank in all of your sweetness and I tried to memorize your face.  I remember what it felt like to press my cheek against yours and to kiss your tiny nose.  And I loved dressing you in all your pink.  

And as you neared the end of your time on this earth I tried to be brave for you.  I wanted to be brave for you so you wouldn't be afraid.  I sang through my tears and held you so tight.  I whispered to you and let you know how much I loved you.  And I wanted you to know it was ok to go to Jesus whenever you needed to.  Watching you die was the hardest thing my heart has ever faced but I felt so privileged to be your mommy and to snuggle you into eternity.  

Baby girl my heart hurts every day because you aren't with me.  I wish so badly that you could have seen our home and that our only memories with you weren't in a hospital.  I would love to have seen you and Micah play together. I wish I could watch you grow and teach you all the things a mommy would teach her daughter.  

But I know this isn't the end.  I know one day we will be together again.  And even though I don't know much about Heaven I do know that no happy moment on this earth can even hold a candle to the happiness you must be experiencing there.  I hope you laugh a lot and smile a lot and breathe deep happy sighs of contentment.  

Sweet Evie I know there are no tears in Heaven but I am almost positive that I will cry tears of joy when we meet again.  I can't wait to hold you.    

I love you so much ladybug.  

Love forever, 
Mommy



8 comments:

  1. We'll be right there with you rejoicing at your reunion! Hugs and prayers to you.

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  2. This is beautiful! Saying a prayer for you today

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  3. Sarah:
    I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that it was a month since Evie met Jesus, and prayed for strength for you as you faced the day.

    Give yourself LOTS of grace....I was in university when my brother, Charles, died, and years later, friends told me that I napped all the time after he died. Grief is physically draining. My parents often went to their doctor to ensure they were healthy (since they lost their appetite and lost a lot of weight), and grief affects you in the most unpredictable ways. Give yourself lots of permission to sleep, to not go somewhere if you know it will bring back memories that are just too painful...I visited a great Christian counsellor afterwards and she helped a lot.

    Please know that I'm continuing to pray for you.

    Julia

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  4. "All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover, and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on Earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."

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  5. My heart is hurting for you. I know that the comfort and knowledge of Evie being with Jesus is insurmountable, but I know your physical heart must be taking its sweet time to heal. I am praying for your family and for God to continue to settle you into His arms and His peace.

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  6. I love the way you picture her... white dress and red balloon. So precious. I wish there was a window into heaven so we could see our babies. I wonder sometimes if it would make the wait easier or harder? I, too, can't imagine not crying tears of joy when we finally get there. Love you, friend.

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  7. Praying God's peace over you and your family as you continue to unwrap your feelings and faith in this journey of grief.

    peace~elaine

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