Hi sweet girl it's mommy. Well you've been in Heaven for one month now and I hope you're enjoying it. I suppose that's a given.
I just want you to know that I think about you every day. I wonder what you're doing in Heaven and what you look like. I wonder who you've met and what you like to do. I wonder if you know about me and Daddy and Micah and how much we love you and miss you.
Sometimes I try and imagine what you look like. I imagine you being kindergarten age. You are always in a white sundress and carrying a red balloon. And I usually imagine you with sandy blonde hair. And barefoot. Daddy imagines you being a beautiful young woman in her twenties. I prefer my version, maybe because I need you to be little.
One thing I can never imagine though is your face. I wish I could visualize how pretty and perfect you are but I can't. I know what you looked like here but I'm sure your Heavenly face is much different. But I know you are lovely. And I'm sure you still have the softest cheeks and the prettiest lips. And deep blue eyes.
If there is one thing I want you to know baby girl it's that mommy loves you so much. I want you to know that while you were on this earth I loved you with all of me. I loved you fiercely with everything I had and tried to give you the best of me. I tried to give you a peaceful pregnancy. I tried to feed you the right things and rest appropriately. I rubbed my belly often and tried to let you feel my gentle touch. I hoped you would feel that love.
And for your birth experience I didn't want you to have any drugs in your system and I prayed desperately that I wouldn't cave into getting an epidural. I wanted to be so present to enjoy every minute of you and didn't want any effects of medication. And wouldn't you know the Lord answered that prayer! I was able to give you my best. I needed to know that I labored for you and gave everything I had to bring you into this world, just as I had with your brother. I am so thankful I was able to.
And the time I had with you was just amazing. I didn't really feel sad the entire four hours because I didn't want to waste time being sad. You were with me and I enjoyed every minute of it. My eyes drank in all of your sweetness and I tried to memorize your face. I remember what it felt like to press my cheek against yours and to kiss your tiny nose. And I loved dressing you in all your pink.
And as you neared the end of your time on this earth I tried to be brave for you. I wanted to be brave for you so you wouldn't be afraid. I sang through my tears and held you so tight. I whispered to you and let you know how much I loved you. And I wanted you to know it was ok to go to Jesus whenever you needed to. Watching you die was the hardest thing my heart has ever faced but I felt so privileged to be your mommy and to snuggle you into eternity.
Baby girl my heart hurts every day because you aren't with me. I wish so badly that you could have seen our home and that our only memories with you weren't in a hospital. I would love to have seen you and Micah play together. I wish I could watch you grow and teach you all the things a mommy would teach her daughter.
But I know this isn't the end. I know one day we will be together again. And even though I don't know much about Heaven I do know that no happy moment on this earth can even hold a candle to the happiness you must be experiencing there. I hope you laugh a lot and smile a lot and breathe deep happy sighs of contentment.
I love you so much ladybug.