Sunday, November 25, 2012

what God is saying to me now

As you can imagine I've felt quite somber lately.  Just kind of quiet, subdued, introspective.  I am still trying to figure out how to grieve appropriately and find the balance between sadness for my loss and my hope in Christ.  

In the months and weeks while I was anticipating Evie's birth the Lord felt very near.  There were many times when it felt like He was speaking directly to me as I cried out in my fear and anguish.  But He seems a little more quiet nowadays.  He is still speaking to my heart but in a different way.  Instead of the almost tangible conversations we had, I feel like the Lord is a little more quiet in His leadings.  Maybe that's what I need right now.  Maybe that's what I need because the questions I am asking are a bit harder to find answers to.  Maybe it's because part of grieving is feeling sorry for yourself that's not exactly a solid Biblical virtue.  I'm not really sure.

I have had theme verses throughout this trial with Evie.  I prayed for clean hands and a pure heart (Psalm 24:3-4), thanked God for my daughter who was fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), and desired to have an attitude like Job and accept the good from the Lord as well as the bad (Job 2:10).

And now the Lord has given me a verse for the aftermath: 

I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say on the Lord!  
Psalm 27:13-14

Wait and see.  That's what the Lord has said to me recently.  Good things are coming, but I must wait.  How long?  Who knows?  For what?  Not sure of that either.  But it is a promise.  

And so I wait.  


  1. I love you Sarah. My prayer has not changed... I am still praying that God allows you to hear and feel him. Sometimes the lamp seems to burn a little dimmer and we can't see as far ahead to the direction we're supposed to go. It's hard when that happens. I am praying that He allows you to see where you need to be right now, even if you can't see the next steps yet. I wish I could make it better. I'm sorry. I haven't forgotten and I haven't stopped praying. Love you.

  2. We wait with you, dear friend. Praying for you always. When I wake up in the middle of the night (which is typical with kids), I've made a habit of putting myself back to sleep praying for two people (you being one of them).

  3. weeping and praying every day for you, dear friend. you & evie are in my heart always. your strength and endurance shall prevail and I will forever stand by your side just in case you need someone to lean on. here for you always and in all ways. xoxo

  4. "Be still and know that I am God..." Love and prayers to you all.

  5. "Good things are coming" ...a good theme moto. <3 Love you.

  6. I came across this Psalm last week when I was feeling particularly low in the dust.
    Psalm 119 25-32
    25 I am laid low in the dust;
    preserve my life according to your word.
    26 I gave an account of my ways and you answered me;
    teach me your decrees.
    27 Cause me to understand the way of your precepts,
    that I may meditate on your wonderful deeds.
    28 My soul is weary with sorrow;
    strengthen me according to your word.
    29 Keep me from deceitful ways;
    be gracious to me and teach me your law.
    30 I have chosen the way of faithfulness;
    I have set my heart on your laws.
    31 I hold fast to your statutes, Lord;
    do not let me be put to shame.
    32 I run in the path of your commands,
    for you have broadened my understanding.

    Love you.

  7. As we enter into another season of Advent, we are waiting and preparing our hearts to celebrate Christmas. We are also waiting for Christ's coming again to make all things new. Our small group is reading God is in the Manger by Bonhoeffer. "For the greatest, most profound, tenderest things in the world, we must wait. It happens not here in a storm but according to the divine laws of sprouting, growing, and becoming." In a letter to his fiance from prison in Dev 1943, he writes "We shall ponder the incomprehensible of our lot and be assailed by the question of why, over and above the darkness already enshrouding humanity, we should be subjected to the bitter anguish of a separation whose purpose we fail to understand...And then,just when everything is bearing down on us to such an extent that we can scarely withstand it, the Christmas message comes to tell us that all our ideas are wrong, and that what we take to be evil and dark is really good and light because it comes from God. Our eyes are at fault, that is all. God is in the manger, wealth in poverty, light in darkness, succor in abandonment." Praying for you as you wait and listen, Sarah. May the God of all hope, whose hope does not disappoint, fill the hole in your heart! Love, Molly (friend of Justina)

  8. I bumped into your blog via a link on Darla Bolger's facebook profile (she and I grew up together in Toronto)...and I read through your blog last night and watched your video, and watched it again just now. Tears streamed down my face as I read your story and watched the video, and I prayed for you. I woke up in the middle of the night and prayed for you, and again on my morning walk.

    I'll likely never meet you-I live out west in the Rockies in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, but know that I am earnestly praying for you and Josh. My older brother died in a motorcycle accident when he was 23 and I was 21. It's been almost 9 years. Sometimes the grief was so strong that I felt physically sick, yet I heard that losing a child was worse than losing a sibling...and it was a rough journey for my parents.

    So I don't know what it is like to hold a newborn daughter for only four hours, and I am so, so sorry that Evie isn't with you anymore....yet I can relate somewhat to losing someone so I am praying for you as Christmas and other special days approach.

    Julia Stickel