Tuesday, October 30, 2012

one month

Well today marks one month until my due date.  As you can well imagine, I am filled with a slurry of mixed emotions thinking that Evie will make her debut in (give or take) thirty days.

Excitement.  I truly can't wait to meet my little sweetie.  I have thought about her every day for nine months and it will be so amazing to finally put a face to her name.  And snuggles.  Sweet baby snuggles.  What mama wouldn't look forward to those?  

I am also excited to see how the Lord answers our prayers and works out the details of the day.  I praise Him for the great stories I know will come of our time with Evie.  

Anxiety.  About labor.  About my hospital experience.  About Evie's comfort levels.  About Micah's reaction to his sister.  About saying goodbye.  About all the details.  Thankfully my anxieties can be cast before the throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16).

Sadness.  That things won't change.  I so, so, so desperately want Evie's story to be different.  And I am so grieved that I can't do anything to fix her.  Sometimes I just hold my belly and weep and tell her how sorry I am that mommy can't make her better ... 

Acceptance and thankfulness.  Acceptance that things won't change.  Thankfulness that Evie will fly straight into the arms of Jesus.  I often tell the Lord that I don't want to give her up.  But if I have to, He is the only one I would want to give her to.  

Hope.  For a miracle.  I will continue to hope and pray for a miracle until the nurses tell us Evie has gone to Heaven.  I am not delusional; I daily face the reality of things to come.  But I can't help but hope.  

Certainly there are more emotions that I can't seem to label.  Some days I experience just a few of these; sometimes all of them in just a few moments.  But no matter my feelings, the time is drawing near.  I pray the Lord will prepare my heart for the things to come.  


Watch and pray lest you enter into temptation.  The spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak.  
Matthew 26:41


Evie and me, almost 36 weeks


4 comments:

  1. Grace for the moment, one at a time. I hope with you, and pray for you, each <3

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  2. From Dave: This Christian "lullaby" often comes to mind when I think of you and Evie. I think I already posted it once, but it gives me perspective again each time I "sing" it in my mind.
    More Secure Is No One Ever
    by Lina Sandell Berg
    (1) More secure is no one ever than the loved ones of the Savior –
    Not yon star on high abiding Nor the bird in home-nest hiding.
    (2) God His own doth tend and nourish, In His holy courts they flourish;
    Like a father kind He spares them, In His loving arms He bears them.
    (3) Neither life nor death can ever From the Lord His children sever,
    For His love and deep compassion Comforts them in tribulation.
    (5) What He takes or what He gives us Shows the Father’s love so precious;
    We may trust His purpose wholly –‘Tis His children’s welfare soley.

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  3. Dear Sarah, as you weep and hold your little one, so the Father tenderly holds both of you. He sees those tears.
    I am praying that He will give you the grace for this day and trusting Him that when Evie's birth takes place, a month from now, He will continue to be suffiecint for all that that day brings.
    Zephaniah 3:17
    The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.
    Praying for His peace for you and Evie this day.
    JoAnn

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