Excitement. I truly can't wait to meet my little sweetie. I have thought about her every day for nine months and it will be so amazing to finally put a face to her name. And snuggles. Sweet baby snuggles. What mama wouldn't look forward to those?
I am also excited to see how the Lord answers our prayers and works out the details of the day. I praise Him for the great stories I know will come of our time with Evie.
Anxiety. About labor. About my hospital experience. About Evie's comfort levels. About Micah's reaction to his sister. About saying goodbye. About all the details. Thankfully my anxieties can be cast before the throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16).
Sadness. That things won't change. I so, so, so desperately want Evie's story to be different. And I am so grieved that I can't do anything to fix her. Sometimes I just hold my belly and weep and tell her how sorry I am that mommy can't make her better ...
Acceptance and thankfulness. Acceptance that things won't change. Thankfulness that Evie will fly straight into the arms of Jesus. I often tell the Lord that I don't want to give her up. But if I have to, He is the only one I would want to give her to.
Hope. For a miracle. I will continue to hope and pray for a miracle until the nurses tell us Evie has gone to Heaven. I am not delusional; I daily face the reality of things to come. But I can't help but hope.
Certainly there are more emotions that I can't seem to label. Some days I experience just a few of these; sometimes all of them in just a few moments. But no matter my feelings, the time is drawing near. I pray the Lord will prepare my heart for the things to come.
Watch and pray lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak.
|Evie and me, almost 36 weeks|