Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I do not belong here

That's what I kept saying to myself today as I waited at the doctor's office.  I had my first official OB visit with the EVMS doctors today and I just felt so much like I shouldn't be there.  The patient population seen by those doctors are usually high risk.  There is nothing about me that is high risk.  I don't fit the standard high risk profile.    

I am not obese
I am not under the age of 15 
I do not have diabetes
I have no major health issues
I don't smoke, use alcohol, or abuse illegal drugs
etc., etc. 

In fact, when filling out my personal health questionnaire, the nurse chuckled because the only "yes" box she could check was that I had been infected with chicken pox as a kid!  

I am a normal, healthy, middle class, married woman.  I belong at the Midwifery Center where my friends have birthed their babies, where I birthed my own baby, and where the staff are interested in you rather than the circumstances that brought you there.  

I do not belong here.  

I don't want to belong here.

Oh.  The addition of the second part of that thought left me feeling guilty.  I knew those were wrong thoughts.  I quickly prayed for the Lord to give me something new.    

You do belong here, because I want you here.

Ah.  Yes.  A much needed reminder that I was put in the midst of this for a reason and by Someone who has a plan.  

I was grateful for that reminder, for that humbling thought.  If God wants me there, then who am I to object?  I suppose my only responsibility is to be a light for Him, wherever this path leads me.  

For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.  Do all things without complaining or disputing that you may become blameless and harmless sons of God in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I might rejoice in the day of Christ that I might not have run or labored in vain.

Philippians 2:13-16

If you would, please still pray for me in this area.  I get a knot in my throat just parking my car at that office.  Every time I am there it is just a reminder of pain and the loss that lies ahead.  I have never dreaded doctor's visits so much in all my life.  And now my visits are much more frequent.  

Thank you for your prayers and for following my journey.  


  1. up early with you on my heart. praying Sarah. I know a little of how you feel. I felt very much the same way when we lost our babies. I kept thinking, "but I did everything right... how could this happen?" Same with the infertility... "but I'm young and healthy and we'd be good parents... why God?" Such hard and pain-filled questions. Praying peace and grace over you... especially when you are at those appointments. I personally still hate going to the OBGYN. It's never stopped hurting to park my car there. I love you. <3

  2. Shine on in this dark time, Sarah. Shine on!

  3. <3 Those little reminders or constant reminders hurt terribly, I'm sorry. Hopefully you can be one of the (perhaps few) people that the staff at the office can see and know and respect due to your 'not belonging' there. ;) Love you.

  4. Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm so glad I found your blog. Just know God is using you; His light IS shining through you! My heart aches for what you currently have to endure. Makes me think of a quote I once heard...I think by Mother Teresa. "God won't give me anything I can't handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
    Your sister in Christ,

  5. I belong to the King; I’m a child of His love,
    I shall dwell in His palace so fair,
    For He tells of its bliss in yon heaven above,
    And His children in splendor shall share.


    I belong to the King; I’m a child of His love,
    And he never forsaketh His own.
    He will call me some day to His palace above;
    I shall dwell by His glorified throne.

    I belong to the King, and He loves me I know,
    For His mercy and kindness so free
    Are unceasingly mine wheresoever I go,
    And my Refuge unfailing is He.


    I belong to the King, and His promise is sure:
    That we all shall be gathered at last
    In His kingdom above, by life’s waters so pure,
    When this life with its trials is past.