Thursday, September 6, 2012

the hard stuff

As I alluded to last Friday, the next couple of months will hold some pretty tough stuff for me.  Those things include, but are not limited to:

Funeral/burial plans.  Doesn't that just sound awful?  Especially when connected with a new baby.  Yuck.  Just yuck.  But I am beyond blessed that my loving parents and in-laws have done the research for me as far as locations and prices and I really only have to make choices.  I am grateful for that.

Shopping for Evie.  This will be so bittersweet.  On one hand I am glad to be able to shop in the pink section of the baby clothing stores, running my fingers over the lace and the bows and the frills.  But at the same time, I know I can only pick out two outfits - one for my daughter to die in and one for her to be buried in.  And there are no tutus in the world fluffy enough or pink enough to mask that grim reality.  So if you think of me in the next few weeks, just pray that the joy of seeing my daughter wear the outfits and snuggle in the blankets I tenderly choose will far outweigh the heaviness of what it all means.  

Memorial service plans.  As it now stands, I think we will have a private funeral/burial for our little girl with just family and a few close friends, and then have a memorial service to commemorate sweet Evie, open to anyone who would like to come. Call me crazy, but I am sort of excited to plan this for my baby girl.  The chances that I will get to plan a first birthday party or a sweet sixteen bash or a wedding day are extremely slim, but this is what I can do for her.  I can put together a great celebration of her life and of the One who gave her to us.  And I want it to be really special.  Pinterest, here I come!

Details, details, details.  Just like any birth there are so many details to work out.  But considering the special circumstances, it seems especially important that the details be just right.  Unfortunately, there is only a limited amount of planning and prep I can actually do.  Labor can strike anytime, anywhere.  I just ask that you join me in praying that these details will be worked out so that we can enjoy our little girl for as long as we can and still be able to share her with the extended family who loves her so much. Details include: birth timing of day, birth day of the week, photography, who should be there, my labor and delivery, my recovery so I can enjoy Evie as long as possible, and on and on.  I tend to worry about these little things I can't control because they feel so big and important.  But I keep reminding myself that God knows how fragile this situation is; He knows how many people want to love on her but also how much I want time with just the four of us.  So I am again just having to bungee jump out in faith and thank God for the day He has already planned for us with our Evie.  And I'm excited to see what He has planned.

Well that's that.  My mind has been on these tasks all week, resulting in a rather melancholy me.  But I am thankful for you and for your prayers.  And above all, I am thankful to my Lord who knows my wanderings and where my mind has been these days (Psalm 139:1-6).  Thank you again, Jesus for your lovingkindness.