Early on in my Evie journey, I asked God for something similar, remembering this story that I had read a coupe of years before. I asked the Lord to give me something to show His love, His peace, His plan, the fact that He was thinking of me in the midst of my sorrow. And a few weeks ago at our family photo shoot, He did just that.
We were walking along enjoying the scenery of the peaceful Botanical Gardens when all of a sudden we noticed Micah squatting down in the grass looking at something.
"Ooo, wha dat?" He said. (Those of you who know him can hear him saying that!).
Josh stooped down next to him.
It was a butterfly.
We all thought it was really strange that the butterfly was just sitting there in the middle of the grass, especially with so many butterfly bushes and flowers surrounding us. Josh was even able to pick the butterfly up and it didn't try to fly away.
I was pretty curious about our newfound friend and so I headed over to my boys. It didn't take long to realize that, although the butterfly was beautiful, she was broken.
Just like my Evie, I thought.
We spent several minutes admiring the butterfly. She was black and teal and had a sort of shimmer to her wings. One of her wings had a small tear and was sort of folded under.
And she let us hold her for quite some time.
Eventually Micah and Josh walked away, leaving me and Chani to snap some more butterfly photos.
The butterfly still was not flying away, so I walked over to the flowers nearby to bring the butterfly to safety. I figured if this butterfly couldn't fly I should bring her somewhere safe and where she couldn't be trampled on.
As I neared the flowers something quite unexpected happened.
The butterfly flew away.
She had the ability to fly away the whole time but stayed with us until the right moment.
Just like my Evie will, I thought.
It was quite a lot for me to take in at that moment and I didn't fully process what had happened until a few days later, but there is no doubt in my mind that this was a sign from the Lord of His love for me.
In the midst of this journey with Evie there are so many questions and uncertainties. But my utmost concern is of the time we will spend with her. I want to be able to enjoy it; to soak it up and never forget even the smallest details. I truly felt like this experience with the butterfly was God's way of telling me not to worry about that, that He has it under control.
God allowed us to stumble upon this butterfly that was beautiful and broken. He allowed us to admire it for quite some time, marveling at His perfect creation. And once our time was done with the butterfly, she flew away.
When I start to worry about how much time we will have with Evie, I think of this butterfly. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that God was using that experience to give me peace about our time with Evie.
She will be born. We will snuggle her and admire her and kiss her and tell her we love her. I will get to dress my baby girl and put a bow in her hair that I made myself. Maybe I'll get to paint her dainty little toenails. And, although I know I'll never get my "fill" of Evie, I truly believe the Lord will take her at a time that will feel right.
And then she will fly away.
You might think I'm off my rocker for reading into this butterfly story and that's fine. But when I'm feeling anxious about Evie's time with us I really do cling to this sign from the Lord. It gives me peace and communicates to me that my Heavenly Father is listening to my prayers and wants to let me enjoy my little girl as much as possible.
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
Therefore do not fear; you are of more value than many sparrows. Matthew 10:31