Tuesday, August 14, 2012

take it all

I am not going to lie, yesterday was very hard for me.  It was just a combination of many things, mostly a heavy dose of the difficult reality I now know is inevitable.  

I spent some time yesterday afternoon cleaning my bathroom and just sobbing.  Sobbing and scrubbing.  I shut the door and just let it all out.  I cried out to the Lord and told Him all the things I don't want to do.

I don't want to carry my baby, give birth to her, and then say goodbye.
I don't want my heart to hurt all the time.
I don't want to spend my days with a knot in my stomach.  
I don't want to carry this hurt with me forever.
I don't want my family to feel incomplete.  
I don't want to feel awkward at baby showers and in conversations about kids and pregnancy and labor and delivery.
And while I am a humble servant of Christ, I honestly really don't want Him to use me in this way.  I kind of wish there was a way to demonstrate my love that didn't hurt so badly.

But I told Him I would.  I have sung lyrics like, "take it all", "take my life and let it be", "All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give".  If I were to turn my back on the Lord now, it would be the very essence of hypocrisy.  So while my flesh and spirit are so weak, somehow I know I must keep pressing on.

Some days I go willingly.  Some days I walk tall and strong with my head held high.  Some days I can only crawl because my body is shaking with sobs and the tears are blinding me.  Some days I drag my feet and furrow my brow, pout my lips and cross my arms like an unruly preschooler.  And still other days I just walk with a cloudy mind and hardly a complete thought running through it.  But I keep moving forward not on my own accord, but because the Lord has promised He will not leave me. But more importantly, He knows the end of this path.  And since He is the only one who knows the end, I must follow.

O rejoice in the Lord, 
He makes no mistake.
He knoweth the end of each path that I take,
For when I am tried and purified, 
I shall come forth as gold.

Jeremiah 18:4 
And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again, as seemed good to the potter to make.

2 comments:

  1. I wish I had some words that would make it all feel better. I am praying and I love you...

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  2. Dear Sarah, thank you so much for the honest views you give of your heart and emotions, but also your will. He gave His back to the smiters for you and me, and now, by His grace, you give yourself to this very painful journey. One of the things you said in this blog stands out in contrast to all the rest: He knows the end of the journey. Take comfort in that dear one. When you have cleaned and sobbed till there's no more energy in you, rest in the truth that He does know how it will end, and in His sovereign grace, it will end gloriously well. My last prayer as I drift off to sleep tonight will be for you and your little Evie and your tender heart.
    You are dearly loved by the sovereigh God of the universe. May He give you peace to rest quietly in His love.
    JoAnn

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