Wednesday, August 1, 2012

I will carry you

I was going to blog about something else but this is where my heart is right now.

There is a song by the Christian group Selah entitled I Will Carry You.  The song was written by one of Selah's male vocalists, Todd Smith, and his wife Angie while they were pregnant with their fourth daughter Audrey back in 2008.  Audrey was diagnosed with the same condition as my Evie: polycistic kidney disorder.  Audrey lived for a little over two hours and then passed into eternity.  

I have been reading the book written by Angie Smith, which holds the same title as the song.  It has been a great comfort to me this week just knowing I am not alone in some of my emotions.  It has been a blessing to have some of my questions answered.  And I have appreciated her honesty and transparency with how she felt saying goodbye.  While reading her story has not been without tears, it has been wonderful.  

Until this morning, however, I had not listened to the song.  To be completely honest I have to be really careful about what goes into my fragile mama heart these days, and I was just waiting.  But a dear friend ordered the CD for me and it came yesterday.  So this morning, I listened to the song and read the lyrics printed in the back of the book.

Upon hearing the title, I assumed the song was about God carrying Todd and Angie through the trial of losing their daughter.  But as I read the lyrics I realized it was more of a lullaby from Angie to Audrey, committing herself to carrying this little girl with her for the rest of the pregnancy and then for the rest of Angie's life.  It was tender and beautiful and so perfect.  Here are the lyrics to the chorus:

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One
Who's chosen me
To carry you.  

My journey with Evie is far from over.  But God chose me to be her mommy and I will praise Him for that.  I love her now and I will always love her.  Right now I am committed to physically carrying her until the end and I will carry her in my heart for the rest of my life.  And when I get to Heaven, I imagine she will run to me and I will pick her up and twirl her and give her a thousand kisses.  

And I will carry her again.  

Thank you Jesus for my Evie girl.  Thank you for the opportunity to carry and give life once again, even if only briefly.  Thank you for the lessons I have learned already and the lessons I know you will teach me in the near future.  And thank you most of all for promising to be near me during this time.  It's not easy God, but I am running hard and fast to You because I know it's the only way.  Thank you for loving me.  In Your Name, Amen.


  1. Your prayer, Sarah, said, "Thank you for the opportunity to carry and give life once again..." That's such a deep idea.

    God is life itself, "I am" And the entire premise of scripture is that life is somehow better than non-life, that a living bird is better than a lifeless arrow and a human life is better than a flame of fire. Life, all by itself, even if it is short-lived, is a miracle and a treasure. And when the brief time any of us have on earth is then folded into eternal life in heaven's joy...Wow!

    Because of our understanding of scripture--"where no law is, there is no transgression," "sin is not imputed where there is no law," "to him that knows to do good and does it not, to him it is sin," etc.--we are sure that innocent Evie will be safe in the Savior's grip forever.

    To carry and to give life is an awesome prospect, and when the child is assured of heaven, either because of conversion or because of departure from this world in innocence, the giving of life becomes infinitely wonderful.

  2. I'm so glad you were able to hear the song. I pray it will encourage you and lift your Momma heart.

  3. I get to meet Angie in just a couple weeks at a Women of Faith conference. I've been following her for a couple years now and she is such a beautiful beautiful person, and so are you!

    1. oh how amazing! tell her what a blessing her book has been to me <3