Monday, August 13, 2012

fearfully and wonderfully made

We got to see our little girl again today.  She was head down, feet curled around over into my left side and was very wiggly.  At one point she had her little hands folded together near her face.  The ultrasound technician pointed out that her chest was moving up and down, meaning that Evie was practicing breathing movements for after birth.  And she weighed 1 pound, 5 ounces.

But Evie is still missing her bladder.  Her kidneys have multiple cysts and are essentially non-functioning. Because her kidneys are unable to process electrolytes as they should, fluid is building up around her tiny heart.  The amniotic fluid levels are extremely low, almost nonexistent.  But the overarching concern that all of these symptoms add up to is the inability for Evie's lungs to develop enough for her to breathe independently after birth.  

So we are basically back to square one.  Late November/early December will have us saying goodbye to the little girl we'd hoped so desperately to be able to bring home.

While watching my sweetie on the ultrasound screen I was trying to focus on the marvel of her as one of God's precious creations.  I kept repeating my version of Psalm 139:13-14 in my head:

For You formed her inmost parts; You are covering her inside of my womb.  I will praise You for she is fearfully and wonderfully made.  Marvelous are Your works, that my soul knows well.

God is forming Evie just as she was intended to be.  Some parts look like they should; brain, bones, spine, fingers, toes.  Other parts God chose to form differently or not at all: kidneys, lungs, bladder.  But those differences do not exempt her from the status of a fearfully and wonderfully made creation.  

I praise God for my daughter and what she is.  Her body is broken, her life will be short, but she is mine and for that I am grateful.  My heart is heavy, my tears are flowing, but Evie is my sweet girl and I will enjoy her while I can.  And she is perfect, just as God intended her to be.  

Tiny foot with five perfect toes.

Evie and me, 24 weeks

9 comments:

  1. I am completely bawling as I type this:-( She is just beautiful. Love you, and that sweet baby girl.

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  2. I continue to pray that the Father will strengthen you and Josh daily. I love that you cherish every moment you experience with little Evie, knowing that at one point down the road you will say goodbye way to early. Love and prayers and hugs to you all.

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  3. I thought about you, Josh & Evie a lot today. And I prayed. May the Lord wrap all three of you in His arms and comfort you there.
    JoAnn

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  4. Oh I just wanted to talk and cry when you got home, but it seemed best to just be quiet. I am so sorry Evie isn't healed. I am not sorry for her, just us. She won't know what it is like to feel pain and live in a broken world. She will only know the comfort of her heavenly Father's arms. Praying that you will feel that strength and comfort too.

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  5. She is a unique and beautiful design, created by the Master Designer, for a specific purpose that will come to fruition just as He intends.
    There is comfort in knowing that when it comes to our children, His children, the ones He sees fit to share with us, He makes no mistakes. There is never an "oopsie".
    Right from the beginning she is a "princess" perfectly fitted for His kingdom.

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  6. Crying and praying with you. Sending our love to you.

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  7. Words: Carolina V. Sandell-Berg
    Music: Swedish Melody

    More secure is no one ever
    Than the loved ones of the Savior,
    Not yon star on high abiding
    Nor the bird in home nest hiding.

    God His own doth tend and nourish;
    In His holy courts they flourish.
    From all evil things He spares them;
    In His loving arms He bears them.

    Neither life nor death shall ever
    From the Lord His children sever;
    Unto them His grace He showeth,
    And their sorrows all He knoweth.

    Little flock, to joy then yield thee!
    Jacob’s God will ever shield thee;
    Rest secure with this Defender—
    At His will all foes surrender.

    Tho’ He giveth or He taketh,
    God His children ne’er forsaketh;
    His the loving purpose solely
    To preserve them pure and holy.

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  8. I love you Sarah! Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I have had people come to me and say how much they admire you for the way your family is honoring God in all of this. I could not agree more! You are reflecting God's love and care to everyone around you. I want to grow up and be like you!

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  9. You really are such an inspiration Sarah, and so is Evie. You and your family are in my prayers always, and I promise there will be a day when it doesn't hurt so much and you realize the plan in all of this. I know you, Evie and your family have already touched the lives of more people then you could ever imagine and that is most definitely a blessing. XOXO - Rach

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