Sunday, August 12, 2012

doctor's appointment

Well, tomorrow is our second ultrasound appointment since the initial diagnosis for our sweet Evie and to be completely honest, I am not really looking forward to it.  I feel like I have come to a sort of working arrangement with my emotions and expectations and I don't want to reopen the floodgates, so to speak.  At the same time, I so desperately don't want to say goodbye to my little girl and have daydreamed about bringing her home so many times and I am afraid to have another heavy dose of reality.  

So it's with this strange jumble of emotions and thoughts that I must prepare for tomorrow.  

I must prepare to be told nothing has changed after praying for a miracle with all my might.

I must prepare to speak with a genetic counselor who will reduce my Evie (and other potential Rieke babies) to a list of statistics and mathematical probabilities.  

I must prepare to hear only of death when there is nothing but life moving inside of me.  

I must prepare to become vulnerable again and to, as David would say, water my bed with my tears.

I must prepare to keep trusting that God has my best in mind while the enemy whispers otherwise.

So if you think of me tomorrow around 10:15, please say a special prayer.  I feel very cloudy right now and unfortunately can't even think of an applicable Bible verse.  But I will leave you with a simple prayer; the honest prayer of my heart as it stands right now.  

Lord, please protect my heart tomorrow.  No matter what the appointment holds, please hide me in the shadow of Your wings.  Amen.

Wouldn't you know it, the Lord gave me this passage even as I was typing the words above:

Psalm 17:6-8 

I have called upon You, for You will hear me, O God.  Incline Your ear to me, and hear my speech.  Show Your marvelous lovingkindness by Your right hand, O You who save those who trust in You, for those who rise up against them.  Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings.

7 comments:

  1. praying for you right now and most certainly will be at 10:15am tomorrow. Mareto has a dr appointment at 11am, but I'll text you after. Love you...

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  2. Will be praying for you all morning, my friend. Setting my alarm for 10:15 especially!

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  3. Dear friend, praying even now that the close of this day will give you sweet, peaceful sleep. That the comfort of the Holy Spirit will soothe the fears that creep into your mind and that you will wake strong and trusting in the Father that loves you and dear Evie and Josh so much. Will be holding up your arms at 10:00 AM and trusting the Father for what is best. Consider yourself hugged.

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  4. You don't know me, just a distant sister in Christ...I have my alarm set. And without even realizing, I labeled it "pray for Evie's mommy"....that I will do sweet Sarah.

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  5. I will gladly intercede for you tomorrow Sarah. You and your Evie are dearly loved!

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  6. Praying often and especially tomorrow!

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