Monday, July 23, 2012

taking every thought captive

My brain is always ready to have a huge giant cry-fest.  If I choose to tap into the thoughts and emotions I know are there, I could be wallowing in tears for hours.  But God has not been letting me do that.  Here is a conversation I've had with Him time and again:


God, you know how much I've always wanted a baby girl.


Sarah, I've given you one.  


I know God, but I want one I can raise and enjoy and put bows on and kiss and squeeze and rock.  


I know.  But can all the love you give her on this earth compare to the perfect life she will always have with Me?


And the answer is no.  I can't.  


As a mother, I want what is best for my children.  If I truly want Evie to have the best life possible, how can my best attempts at love and maternal care in this world even hold a candle to the life she will experience in Heaven?


She will never be lonely.
She will never get a boo-boo.
She will never have her heart broken by a boy.
She will never struggle with her sin nature.
She will never struggle with her decision to choose Christ or not.
She will never even shed a tear.


All the reasons I want Evie here on this earth with me seem so selfish in light of the life I know she will have with her Father.  


2 Corinthians 10:5 encourages us to "take every thought captive in obedience to Christ."  I have always loved the use of the word captive in this verse.  Taking something captive means you are holding it against it's will.  It means it will take a lot of effort on your part to keep that thing under control.  It means taking something that usually runs wild and bringing it into submission.  In this case: bringing rogue thoughts into submission under the authority of Christ.  


So that is where I have been the last couple of days.  I am aware of the thoughts that can send me in a downward spiral.  But I am choosing to take those thoughts captive and focus on God's mercies and blessings and the truths about His character.  


Today I am praying Psalm 19:14:


May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight O God, my strength and my redeemer.  


Amen.  

5 comments:

  1. I read Lauren's blog and came over to yours to say a prayer for you and your family- which I have done; however, I have a feeling that the words I read today in your blog will help me so much in the future (in helping with friends losses or my own one day). How right you are to have the point of view you do. I view myself as someone strong in their faith, but never did I think about the perfect love a baby will receive in heaven. Thank you so much for that.

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  2. Continuing to journey with you and praying for special grace.

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  3. You have very good theology, Sarah, and practical, too. Many counselors have noticed that if we cry too much (over the top, I mean) the thought occurs to us, "Hey, look how I'm weeping. Things truly must be really awful, otherwise I would never be so distraught." When we take our thoughts captive like you describe, we are expressing faith and hope that God will make a way for us, and that He will hold us.

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  4. Your mother-in-law told me about your sweet baby girl and your need for prayers. Lifting you in prayer and will continue to do so... love and blessings to you.

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  5. Sarah, I don't know you, but a Facebook friend posted a link to your blog. I rarely comment, but just feel compelled to thank you for your transparency. I am struggling with infertility, and battle depression daily, so your REMINDER to take our thoughts "captive" is immensely helpful. I will add my prayers for a miracle for your precious Evie Caris. Enjoy her as long as God allows!

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